With Special Guest, Steven Shea
If it feels like you’re swimming upstream no matter what you do and you’re not getting the results you desire…this episode is for you.
In today’s episode of The GlowJo, your host, Leanne Kallal, and special guest, Steven Shea, discuss self-sabotage and the 4 levels of unconscious blocks that may be keeping you stuck.
Steven Shea is a mentor who helps entrepreneurs identify and break through their unconscious blocks, so they can achieve the life they want. Today, he shares his insight from working with successful entrepreneurs so you can identify where you’re subconsciously blocking yourself, and learn how to break through.
Whether you’re an entrepreneur, a corporate ladder climber, or someone just looking to break out of the cycle of sameness and create a new way of being in your life, this episode carries inspiration and practical tips for you!
Topics covered in today’s episode include:
- Why you need to flip the “Have, Do, Be” framework
- 4 levels where you could be experiencing self-sabotage without knowing it
- How to begin listening to your intuition
- What forced surrender is and how to avoid it
- Signs that it’s time to level up
- Power vs. Force
- And more!
Sign up for The GlowJo newsletter at www.theglowjo.com
(NOTE: This is an auto-generated transcript and will likely have spelling errors. I hope it still serves you and is useful :))
[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the glow, Joe. It is so wonderful to have you here. Alien, uh, thanks for having me on the podcast. Yeah, you’re welcome. I feel like we, this has been kind of a long time in the, in the works, maybe not too long, but we’ve connected a few times recently and we ha we’ve had some really great conversations and I’m just so excited to have you here today.
So for everyone listening, Steven SHA is a friend of mine. He’s someone that like, I’d say it’s probably like over the last year or so that we’ve started to connect more. And we have so many similarities in how we operate and how we approach business and life. And so maybe some of that will come up today, but he is an incredible business coach and him and I first met though.
Gosh, it would’ve been 2011,
2011, wait back. . On this podcast, I feel like there’s so many people who I connected with 2009, 10, 11, 12. And so it’s so cool to see [00:01:00] how people we meet at an event like we did at, at AF Fs, or I guess it’s AF Fs now, but awesome. This Fest at the time and in Maui and just how our paths continue to cross and intertwine.
And I’m just so grateful that ours have crossed again. And I’m excited to dive into things with you. Likewise. Yeah. It, it is wild that right. It’s 2011. It’s over 10 years. Yeah. That’s crazy. Over like a decade. Yeah. Also that means we’re old. no, just that’s my own stuff. I won’t put that on you. well, that’s probably my stuff too.
it’s funny. So today we’re going to be talking about the trends that you’ve noticed in your coaching business. You know, I believe that we all get in our own way in one way or another, and you’ve noticed these four specific trends. So before we dive into that, I wanna turn it over to you. So you can introduce yourself to everyone and share whatever you wanna share about [00:02:00] yourself and your journey, your business.
I’m a breakthrough mentor for entrepreneurs now. I got my start back in 2005 in entrepreneurship. Mainly because I always knew I wanted to be an entrepreneur, which is why I’m so passionate about helping entrepreneurs. I didn’t know how to do it.
All I knew was to follow my heart, just do something that felt good. That excited me. So I became a concert and tour producer and promoter, back in Newfoundland when I used to live there. And yeah, I loved what I was doing and it took me, it took me a few years to, you know, get in my groove and actually start making money.
But then I actually became decently successful at it. But when I became successful, I realized I was M. and I thought money was gonna fix all my problems. I thought success was, you know, the curves and the house, all, all that stuff. And I just realized I’m like, I’m, I’m miserable. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but like something something’s wrong and it’s internal.
Uh, and that is when [00:03:00] I started my personal development journey when I was like, okay, something I gotta go deeper. This is horrendous. and then, yeah, that kind of led to me getting into, I started off as a clinical hypnotherapist. And then NLP practitioner and then many other modalities since then always kind of chasing my own healing for my own healing.
Uh, but areas I’ve become passionate about and yeah, doing entrepreneurship the whole way, doing projects and, uh, companies that I’m passionate about. And now, um, I guess for the last. How long has it been 12 years? Yeah. I’ve been doing coaching and mentoring. And it’s just been, yeah. I, I absolutely love what I do.
I love helping people and I love helping entrepreneurs because when you help an entrepreneur, they just break through not just for themselves, but for all their clients, everyone around them. And yeah, I’m just really passionate about helping people overcome all of the blocks that unconsciously stop them.
So that that’s a quick summary.
Thank you for sharing. [00:04:00] I always love hearing about people’s stories. And I remember the first time you told me that you were a concert promoter, I’m like, oh, that’s pretty cool.
And I just wanna say that I think that it’s really common for people to pursue their dreams and go after what we’ve told. We’ve been told to go after, only to find that. We aren’t happy and that it’s not filling that void, or it’s not giving the success. Isn’t making us feel the way that we thought we would feel.
And so I know we, weren’t gonna talk about this part, but I’d love to just like, spend a little more time there. What was that process like for you? Because I know you said that was really the catalyst for your personal development journey. Personally, mine, my, I had a very similar story. I was working for this like really cool marketing company outta Toronto.
I experienced some success within the company right away. And I was, you know, climbing the corporate ladder. And I was so burnt out. This is back when I was super type a and like [00:05:00] really competitive mm-hmm and I, I totally burnt myself out and I ended up with severe, I had autoimmune issues before, but they just came roaring back and I’m like, it’s not worth it.
And even if I would feel good for. I don’t know, maybe I’d feel good for a day or two or a week. And then I’d be right back to whatever I was doing. Wasn’t enough. I wasn’t good enough. I needed to do more, have more to be who knows what, but it was exhausting. And I was like, screw, screw this, this isn’t how I want my life to be.
I don’t know what the solution is yet, but I know that it’s not this. Yeah. Yeah. I can, I can relate to that. I was that’s the most I’ve ever worked was back then when I was doing 16, 18 hours a day, it, I was loving what I was doing. But I had just done the biggest concert or more so of the biggest tour that I’ve ever done.
I remember when we wrapped it up and I brought all the artists to the, to the [00:06:00] airport to see them off after the tour, I thought I was gonna go like do a victory lap around the city, in my car and just be like, oh, I’m, I’m amazing. Like this. Oh, it feels so good. Like what, what a great tour. And I remember realizing like I’d made all this money and I just started crying.
I was just like, what the, like, why what’s wrong. And I didn’t realize it back then, but when I look back now, it’s kind of like you and I have talked about this before. Like the framework of how I help people is most people I would think the majority of people are in the framework of have, do be meaning.
When I have the result, when I have the money, when I have the success, I’m gonna be able to do everything that I wanna do. And then I’m gonna be happy, proud, successful, fulfilled, confident, whatever the feeling is that we chase. Um, and what I know is true fulfillment in life comes from be do have you have to flip the script instead of have, do be, it’s be, do have.
And it’s, it’s really getting to know who you really are internally, what your [00:07:00] values are. What’s important to you. How you wanna show up in the world and not out of expectation of others or trying to impress anyone, but it’s truly what brings you fulfillment. And when we operate from that place, then we’re showing up being who we really wanna be.
And then we’re naturally doing what it is we really wanna do. And then the, having the success on the other side of that, it comes naturally. It’s a natural byproduct of being who you really are. It does take some work, digging around to figure out who you really are. But I would, I would have to say it’s the most worthy of endeavors when it comes to the work we can do.
Mm-hmm uh, is getting to know who we really are and what we really.
I love that that is so powerful. And I know at the glow Joe, one of my missions, cuz I feel like there’s, it’s a multilayered mission. I can never just have one single one simple thing, but it really is to help people get in tune with their true selves.
Yeah. Because I think that we [00:08:00] are raised and in a society I’m bombarded with messaging, especially with social media now that we need to do all these certain things and have all these certain things. And like you said, when we, when we have do B that’s that’s it, it doesn’t work. It never works. And the interesting thing that I found is when you flip this switch and it’s the B do you have the having actually matters way less?
Yeah. Because you are really, you’re being true to yourself. You’re living in alignment, you’re fulfilled. And the results that you thought were that thing that you thought was so necessary and so important. Actually doesn’t matter as much because that’s not what it’s about. Mm-hmm so I know I’ve referenced this many times, but I have a tattoo on my foot and it says, the journey is the reward.
And I got this tattoo when I was living over in Malaysia and I was going through, a challenging time and certain things. And [00:09:00] you know, it really is about the journey. Like what if I actually learned to be present and to sink into the now, instead of always worried about what’s next and pushing myself to do this.
And it it’s tricky because I’m a motivated person and I have ideas and I have a big vision and I wanna do big things and I wanna help people. So it’s been a tricky thing for me. To be able to find that that line of still being bold and going for it and working hard, but honoring myself and honoring my truth am at my energy levels and my workflow.
And, oh my God. It’s just so complicated. it seems simple. It’s like easy. Is it? How do you say that? Like, it’s simple, but it’s not so easy. Yeah. Yeah. It’s definitely, it’s simple, but it’s not always easy. And, and I agree with that. It’s, you know, I, I guess 10 years ago I was just like, yeah, go make it happen.
Take action every day and hustle, hustle, hustle. And what you learn is [00:10:00] if, and I’m gonna use the word alignment, just meaning being true to who we really are, what what’s true for us. When you’re out of alignment, you can take all the action you want, and you’re just gonna find suffering. Like it’s just cuz you’re, you’re headed in the wrong direction.
And I mean, that’s the downfall, that’s the challenge with taking action in a direction. That’s not meant for you. Like the closer you get to the goal that you’re out to get, the further you get from who you really are because it, it was never in alignment. I’m raising my hand right now. And I’m, I’m doing like the, the head, like raising my hand and nodding my head because I’ve fallen into that cycle so many times.
Yeah. And oftentimes, especially in recent years, like we’ll say, well like three or four years ago or five years ago, like I was living a really fun, exciting life, traveling, doing all of these things that I, I do love travel. Like that is truly a part of me, but the extent that I was doing it and how I was doing it was actually out of alignment and.
I [00:11:00] think that also, I I’ll share this for like the empathic sensitive people out there. For me when I’m around someone or if I get invited to something and they’re really excited about it, I can take on their excitement. And so I realize that I would overcommit to things one, because I probably thought like I should do it.
But then there was this whole other piece of truly being genuinely excited, but I was on somebody else’s ride and not my own. Yeah. And those were the hardest wake up calls where I’m like, wait a minute, even though I’ve been living this really cool life, has this been the life that my soul is here to live?
Has this been true for me? And you know, it wasn’t all not true. That’s for sure there was like a lot of truth in it, but there was the pieces that were really out of alignment and it kicked my ass in the end. And then here I am now just re relearning and getting to know myself again for probably the th thousandth.
That’s hard to say the thousandth time. Yeah, but it feels good to come back home and to, to. Just be nice to [00:12:00] myself and get to know myself again. And you know, I’d always talk about self-awareness self-acceptance and self-expression. Yeah. And how those things really help us live in alignment. Yeah. Yeah.
I’m I’m, I’m glad you said that about it being the thousands of time. It’s a little challenging to say, but when I look at my life, it’s a lot of people think that when you do the work to get into alignment, oh, I’m in alignment now everything’s just gonna be easy. It’s like, no, no, no, no, no. You’re gonna be out of alignment many times.
Like you’re gonna get distracted. You’re gonna hop on other people’s rides. What, you know, what you were talking about that happens all the time. And especially, you know, uh, I would call myself a recovering or recover. I don’t know if you ever fully recover, uh, but a recovering people pleaser where it’s like, you know, wanting to make sure everyone else is having a good time, you know, hello, concert, promoter.
Like that, that was the drive behind everything I did. Uh, but yeah, [00:13:00] you know, the more we learn about ourselves and the more we do the work to have boundaries and bring ourselves back to who we really are, the stronger that connection gets and the more familiar it gets when you’re like, oh, wait, I’m I’m off track.
I can feel some something’s off things. Things feel more challenging right now than they normally are. Yeah. And that’s usually a good indicator that something something’s off with alignment. I love that. Okay. Random question. What is a telltale sign that you are starting to go off track? Is it a behavior?
Is it a pattern? Is it certain thought cycles that start to go on? There are, there are quite a few indicators. One for me that I notice is, and I’m not saying that my business is always easier or anything like that. You know, we all have challenges and when we’re growing and just pursuing what we want.
What I will say is that if you cont, if you’re continuously hitting brick walls, like if you just [00:14:00] try this thing and you hit a brick wall, and then you try the next thing, and it’s just, nothing seems to work. You know, sometimes you just need a different angle, but sometimes you need a whole different road.
Like you just realize like, oh, this is wait, I need to step back. Like, is this something I really want? Like, what’s going on here? Um, but there are also many other indicators, like one that I think about quite often, like I’ve dealt with adrenal fatigue in my life. Uh, you know, when you just, you push too hard and you burn yourself out.
but what I’ve also noticed is there have been a couple times when I was dealing with adrenal fatigue, , but I was also extremely out of alignment in my life. And the second I made the choice to whatever it is like in, in the, stop working with the client I was working with that was off track, um, or, you know, end of relationship or whatever it is.
And you get back on track. I’ll say all or 95% of that energy that you thought you were losing to adrenal fatigue. It’s actually, you were out of [00:15:00] alignment and unconsciously, your nervous system, your body is just zapping. It’s, it’s basically retaining your energy and saying like, no, I’m not giving you energy to go in this direction.
I’m just, I’m not helping you anymore. Like, I’ve, I’ve given you signs, I’ve made your path difficult. I’ve done so many things and you still haven’t got the sign. So I’m just gonna pull the hand break. Like, I’m go, I’m gonna pull your energy. And now you’re going to have to stop and look. And, you know,
that’s my theory from like working with a lot of people who have not so much these days, but in the past, I’ve helped a lot of people who are dealing with anxiety and depression. And I know that there are definitely people that, you know, probably have medical conditions going on, but what I’ve noticed with most, if not all people I’ve helped, through that the anxiety and the depression are just lights in the dashboard.
Like it’s, again, it’s your unconscious or your nervous system saying like, stop, stop. I’m [00:16:00] not like you hate your frigging job or you, this relationship is not healthy. I’ve given you every sign and now I’m going to throw you into anxiety. And if you don’t pay attention to that, I’m gonna throw you into depression and you, you have no choice at that point.
So I feel like the minor signs are just when things are getting difficult and some of the deeper signs are when you’re starting to run out of energy. And you’re feeling like just exhausted all the time. Uh, and I think I’m sure you’ve probably seen it before, but I can’t remember the exact quote, but it’s something like, you know, maybe you’re maybe it’s not, you that’s tired.
Maybe it’s your soul. That’s tired. Mm-hmm and I believe that always comes down to an alignment piece, so yeah. Yeah. There are many different layers to.
That’s so powerful and I completely agree. I know for me personally, it usually, usually, you know, I I’m being stubborn or like just like forceful and just continuing to push and push, but with diminishing returns and then I’ve definitely experienced [00:17:00] the like bouts of depression and anxiety.
Anxiety is something I deal with way more than I would like to mm-hmm and I think that there’s a few different, like I’m a lady, cyclical, anxiety is a true thing. So that’s a part of my life. And then, allergies as well. I have food sensitivities and like I had gluten on the weekend and it’s been a accidentally it’s now Friday when we’re recording this.
So it’s been almost a week and it’s taken me almost this long to be able to feel like myself and be grounded and, and to not be an anxious mess. And so for me, I’ve learned to decipher there’s the triggers. And I do believe there’s the medical things that happen. But then so often. When I am and it’s like, I know, I always know.
And I choose to ignore. and I guess it’s because I’m afraid, I’m afraid to make a change. I’m afraid to let go of something because of the uncertainty, even though I used to pride myself on, like, I love change. , I’m great at going with the [00:18:00] flow and just bring it on. And I don’t know if it’s like getting older and kind of wiser in some ways, but also maybe getting older and more, more stuck in my ways or more fearful and not being as trusting or not having as much faith in things as, as I once did.
I don’t know. It’s, it’s this interesting thing. And so I’ve definitely experienced that. And then also health issues. I’ve had so many random health issues in my life and I swear it’s because I was not listening to the messages. And then the universe handed me some big old slaps and some big wake up calls and it’s like, okay, I surrender.
I call it forced surrender. One of my missions in life is to learn how to surrender before I am forced to, because I have done the forced surrender enough times to know that it’s it’s, it sucks. And I truly believe it can be avoided if we start to listen to the messages coming through, and then it’s like having the courage and we don’t need to take a big leap.
[00:19:00] Sometimes I do. And every time I do it actually works out. And so I always remind myself when I’m at a precipice, I’m like, okay, look back in the past. You’ve always been okay. There’s been the difficult times, but you’ve always been okay. And when you’ve taken the big leap, you’ve actually ended up like, like you said, like you’re on the wrong road.
You need to be on a totally different road. And when I’ve hopped roads, it’s always like the quality of my life and the alignment and everything is always ju jumped like leaps and bounds to then to that next level. Why I can’t remember that on a regular basis. I don’t know. That’s what I call the amnesia factor.
I got that from a friend of mine. She calls it the amnesia effect. But yeah. Oh my gosh.
yeah. It’s, it’s interesting. You say that, cuz like I know for sure that, you know, first of all, I experienced a lot of people that say like I have a hard time tapping into my intuition actually I guess less people these days.
But I, I have experienced a lot of people saying I have a hard time tapping into my intuition. And what I [00:20:00] say is your trust in, or I’m sorry, the volume of your intuition will get louder when you trust your intuition. So like you, it’s not going, you are, you are not going to hear it. If you keep ignoring it or another way to say it is that like I made an Instagram post about this years ago.
If you ignore your intuition scream or screams, you’ll never hear its whispers. and so we have to be willing to listen to the screen. Like that’s how I met you. That’s how I went to awesome as Fest I was living in. I really feel like I need to share this for anyone who might be listening, who is like considering going to an event, cuz I know events are really happening a lot now.
And um, what I can say for sure is awesomeness Fest. That event I went to, I was living in Newfoundland running my concert company. I had never been to that type of event before. I didn’t even know that was a thing. And one of my friends just shared the, the video of it, uh, on Facebook and it’s I forget [00:21:00] what song was playing, but they had a really catchy song in the background like, oh, I wish I remembered the name of it now.
But uh, and I remember watching the video and it just spoke to my heart. Like my heart was just screaming, like go. Just go, just, just please, please, please, please, please go. And I remember looking at it and I think the, the ticket was two grand or something like that. And this was back in 2011 and I just remembered, I was like, I I’m gonna go.
I’m gonna go. Like, I don’t care what anyone says. I knew my girlfriend at the time. She’s an amazing woman, but we were just at the end of our relationship anyway and, or close to it. And so I just booked it without even mentioning to anyone. I was like, I don’t care. And I remember telling one of my really close friends and he just said, you’re getting robbed.
I can’t believe you paid that much money to go to some stupid event where like, it’s gonna be people there, like what a waste. And I remember I had friction, you know, telling anyone else in my life basically, but I still went [00:22:00] and I was at such a low point in my life cuz I was really feeling miserable and.
When I came back from that event within days, I closed down my company that I’d been running for seven years. I ended a six or seven year relationship, and then soon or decently, soon after I decided I was gonna move across the country. Um, and it was all, it was all inspired by people that I met there and realizing how different life can be, especially when you’re surrounded by like-minded people.
And none of that would’ve been possible. If I had listened to the people currently around me that were like, no, that’s such a stupid idea. Like, and some, one of my close friends and he loves me. We love each other, but he was just like, you’re you got robbed. And, but I just, I knew I had to trust my heart and so much of who I am today and the fact that I live, where I live, it all came from that, the fact that I know you, it came from that.
So it’s listening to [00:23:00] those screams. And as we listen to the screams will start to get. Better and, and more, more adapted to listening to the whispers. So, and yeah, sometimes yeah, there, sometimes it’s not even a scream. It’s a, what is it? Oprah says a brick upside, the head . Yeah. Um, so yeah. Yeah. I love that.
There’s so much good in there. I think that one it’s like stepping outside of your comfort zone, doing something new, following your intuition, following your heart, following that voice inside, even when it’s completely different than the way people are living around you. I know I’ve lived more of an unconventional life than my family and a lot of people that I grew up with.
And I think you and I are both really fortunate that now we have these incredible tribes and, and groups of people who share similar values and have a similar outlook on life. And, and the way we live is, is different. And it’s really nice when you can connect with like-minded people. And it’s like, oh yeah, [00:24:00] I’m not alone in this, like there’s other people there’s other people out there.
And it doesn’t mean that you’re never, you’re not gonna be friends with people you grew up with. But it’s nice to just find it’s nice to, it’s nice to find our tribes, you know, a hundred percent. I feel blessed in many ways in my life. Uh, but especially friends, when I look at the people who surround me and who like energetically support me, when I say I have a new idea, or I’m gonna do this my business, or if they throw ideas at me, like, Hey, you and I have had conversations like this.
It’s like, wow. And you, you know, something I say all the time is, you know, if you wanna know, if you wanna spend more time with someone, pay attention to how you feel as you’re walking away from the interaction. So you just had, you just hung out for the evening or you just had coffee, or you just had a phone call and in the seconds after that interaction, do you feel.
Or do you feel a contraction? And it’s so easy to tell ’em that there’s a contraction. It doesn’t mean that [00:25:00] there’s anything wrong with that other person. It just means that there’s, there’s probably not a great fit for your expansion in life. Um, you know, I still, when I go back home, I still talk to my past friends and we still get along.
Great. And what helps me be the best me is surrounding myself by people who are like-minded and up to similar things and have similar values. It’s an absolute game changer. If I had one piece of advice for everyone in the world, it would be, you are the average of the five people I surround yourself with.
And I didn’t come up with that. That’s Jim Morone mm-hmm , but mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, you are the average of the people around you. So if you wanna expand yourself in a certain way, you can try all you want on your own. But when you get surrounded by people like that, you will unconsciously become like them.
You won’t even have like, it’s good to try, but you’ll unconsciously, uh, take on a lot of the characteristic traits that they have cuz that’s what we do. We become our environment. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, so [00:26:00] powerful. I, I remember, I think I was at a Tony Robbins event in Singapore. I was at unleashed the power within and he talked about the five people and I was like, yeah, that is such a powerful.
Concept and who are your five people? So, and I will say for someone like me, like, I don’t necessarily see five people in real life all the time. yeah. But five people that I’ll connect like on a regular basis. Um, I, I mean, I do, but I think that probably some of my closest five are people that I connect with on, on the phone or on Voxer on a regular basis.
So I’ll just throw that out there for all of the hermits well, I I’m, I’m somewhat to that as well. Some of my, yeah, some of my five are in different countries. Me too. So it’s, which is fun. It is what, this is the world we live in now. Yep. It’s true.
Oh, right. So, oh my gosh. I have this question that’s been on my mind and then I do really want to talk about these four trends or these four sort of levels where we hold ourselves back.
Yep. But this question is, is coming [00:27:00] up. So I’m gonna follow my intuition and see, and this is based off of, well, I think like things that I’ve gone through personally recently, and then something that you shared with me before the call. So when you, what are the signs that happen in your life and even leading up when you know, that it’s time to level up and it’s time to take that next leap of faith or it’s time to go to that next level.
I would say the external signs, I feel like, you know, as kind of mentioned earlier, life can become difficult almost what you were saying. Like you put, you put the energy into a task that in the past used to have a payoff. like, whatever you would feel fulfillment from it, or you’d take this action and you get clients or what, whatever it is, whatever the action is.
Um, but you start to do that and it’s just, it’s not giving you that same feeling. It’s not giving you that same experience, uh, or the same outcome. But internally I would say it’s a feeling of stagnation. It’s just this feeling [00:28:00] of,
I guess it’s, it would be the opposite of growth because you are just not growing, and something I’ve learned. And I kind of keep learning this in life. You know, those lessons that you learn, you’re like, oh my God, that’s right. And then a couple months later you’re like, oh yeah, I totally forgot about this.
Um, but I notice when I’m suffering in life, sometimes. It’s because I’m not growing in some area and this, I, I don’t believe in like always achieve, always go get more. Like that was an old mindset I used to have. Um, but I am, I do believe in growing ourselves, always in some way, whether that’s in relationship or in work or whatever, but I’ve had my times when I focus on goals and all about goal setting, and then I’ve had years where I didn’t focus on goals where it’s like, no, I just need to be in my healing right now.
I need to be in my process and just do this. Um, but for me when it’s time to expand, yeah, it’s, it’s [00:29:00] one of two things. It’s a hunger like this, this, this desire almost like when I saw that video for a Fest and it’s just like, it just brought a feeling to my life. I forgot you could feel. And so I was just like, oh my God, I, I need to go there.
I don’t care what anyone says. I don’t, I don’t care. I don’t care if the prime minister of Canada says it’s illegal to go there. I’m going there. Um, and so, yeah, it’s that hunger or it’s the, like the, I would just say the, the bored, not boredom, but you know what I mean? Yeah. Where you’re just like, oh God, like it’s the same thing over and over again.
And I just. What am I doing with my life? Yeah. Thank you for sharing. So it’s so similar for me. There’s that like, there is that hunger. And then when you said stagnation, I’m like, yes. And so this is a pattern I’ve, I’ve noticed recently, and I wanna share it with people because hopefully this helps everyone listening, figure out your own patterns.
Cuz again, this is like building our self awareness. And for me, what I [00:30:00] realize is that I start questioning everything. I’m like, what am I doing? What’s the point? What should I do? And I start to go into this like really, really unproductive thought cycle where yeah, I just question everything and I get really down on myself.
And what I’ve realized is that these, this is my pattern when I’m ready to go to the next level, that’s when I start questioning everything. And I think it’s because I’ll be at this comfort level. Again, I think that there’s great things before I would’ve been like, never be comfortable, always be outside your comfort zone.
always be growing because, and I do believe in growth. I think that’s a shared value that we have, but there’s a difference it’s like, so it’s kind of like cruising and getting used to things, being a certain way. And it’s like, oh yeah, no, it’s time. It’s time for the next level. You’re ready for the next level.
It doesn’t necessarily show up that clearly for me though, it shows up as me questioning everything. And I’ve done that like full disclosure with the closure so many times I’m [00:31:00] like, but what is it? It’s a podcast. I know that it’s like, I wanna grow a community and offer support and courses. But like, but what, and literally I messaged a friend recently.
I’m like, you know, what am I doing? And she was like, I so admire you for always you know, looking at that, I’m like, no, you don’t understand. Like, I really forget what am I doing? , it’s not even, she took it in a different way. And I was like half joking and half being, you know, dramatic in that, in that moment and, and kind of funny, but, so that’s something that I now realize starting to obsess and second guess, and question and forget, or like not know what I’m doing or what I wanna do.
Yeah. It’s it’s because it’s time, I literally look back at journals that I have had since 2008, 2009, I’m always writing about the same thing and wanting to do the same thing. And like, I have so many different notebooks for different things. And I’ll look at like things that I wrote, right. To begin with about my [00:32:00] goals and like vision for the glow joke.
It’s exactly the same. I just forget it along the way, because I get in my way Uhhuh . And so I think that this segues really well into. The trends that you notice in your say in yourself, in me. Yep. Um, but in, in the clients that you work with, because you work with a lot of highly successful people, and I think it doesn’t matter who you are, there’s these different ways that we will begin to self sabotage or get stuck and, you know, let’s, it, it doesn’t need to be like that.
There’s tools out there to help us grow and get over it. And again, awareness is number one. So shed some shed, some awareness and shine, a light on these trends that you notice for us.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, first I, I wanna say, uh, to what you were talking about, there is one question I no longer even let myself ask, cuz it, I know at that point I’m going into dark [00:33:00] territory and that is the question.
What’s the point? Yeah. When I ask the question, lots of points. It’s like, oh boy, you’ve been going down a spiral, like, cuz it takes a while to get to this question. Um, but that’s usually an indicator that like something I need to pay attention to whatever’s going on. No go zone. I love that. That’s like, I, I just got a really cool visual of having a, like a printout or a piece of like things that I will not even let myself think or consider.
And I’ve got a couple of those as well and I won’t share them. Um but I have a couple things where I’m like, no, you’re not even allowed to go there anymore. Yeah. You are just like, Nope. Not even a thing. It doesn’t even exist in your mind anymore. Yeah. E exactly. And is actually, I need to give credit that I actually originally heard Tim Ferris say that, that for his mental health, he will not let himself ask that question.
I was like, wow. Anytime I have, I, I have asked that question. I was already almost at the bottom of a very dark spiral. Yeah. And it’s like, okay. Yeah, that’s just cuz what’s the point is. [00:34:00] It, when you’re in a disempowered state, it rarely leads to a positive answer. yeah. Um, so it’s yeah, but so it’s a good indicator to begin to look at your life and everything.
And I’m just remembering quick little like to get in here with something else. Tony Robbins says the quality of your questions will determine the quality of your life. One a better life, ask better questions a hundred percent. And so I think that could be an episode I, I think that could definitely be an episode.
Remember, you just spoke a minute ago about how you keep forgetting, like what, what it is you wanna do, but then you remember. Yeah. That’s my life as well. If, if you look at my journal, uh, on my computer, I’ve been journaling it for years. Um, it’s like, I keep having the same discovery over and over and over again.
I do. I go back and look at the stirred. Like I, I favor the pages to stand out. And then when I read back through them, I’m like, this is the same thing over and over again. Like, [00:35:00] um, yeah, but like you said, yeah, it’s, it is the quality of the questions determine the quality of your life.
And that is a thing that I have to keep remembering. Like I keep helping clients with that, but I gotta keep reminding myself of that. Mm-hmm cause sometimes, you know, we can, we can get in our way. And like you said, this is a good segue into the four unconscious blocks that, you know, hold us back. , but when we get into these patterns of like the negative thinking, and we realize, wait, I’m just constantly telling myself things right now.
When we tell a statement, when we say a statement, like that’s just, there’s no opening after that. It’s like, this is how it is. Period. Full stop. Whereas when we ask a question, it creates an opening.
Like anything can show open that yeah, you’re right. It creates a clearing. So it’s so important and that is literally the first level. So I’ll cover the, the four unconscious blocks that hold us back. And so just quickly I’ll run through them. The first level is mindset. So mindset is, you know, limiting [00:36:00] beliefs, um, language thought patterns, like all the mindset stuff that, you know, you basically hear about in a lot of, I don’t know, like NLP trainings, but also any other mindset books, like most personal development books.
Then beyond that level is the identity level. And the identity level is who you think you are because, you know, um, I believe his name is Maltz Maxwell. Yeah, Maxwell malt, sorry. Uh, he wrote psycho cybernetics, very powerful book. And that really opened up my mind to this because he, uh, he says that a human being always lives in a and acts in accordance with what he imagines to be true about himself in his environment.
So said, another way you act, how you think about yourself. So if you think you’re a winner, you’re going to literally make winning decisions. But if you think you’re a loser, if you think people don’t like you, or you think you’re not, you don’t get in included with things or whatever the limiting belief is, you have about yourself, your [00:37:00] own identity.
That’s going to determine what happens in your life. So it’s very important to look and see, like, who do I think I am that one really like, and I’ll be vulnerable. I remember the first time you shared, like this has come up in a few of our conversations. I don’t know when my identity beliefs became so not good about myself.
Like, I think there’s the positive ones. Mm-hmm and then there’s some really negative ones that are holding me back. And like, even I’m just remembering now, like hearing this every time you say it, it hits me hard. Mm-hmm so I know that there’s something there for me to. For me to look into and like I’ll yeah.
I’m one of my goals is to just share more and be more vulnerable. So I’ll share one of the ones. I always think I’m like, I don’t have what it did. Like I just don’t have that special thing. I don’t, I don’t think I have what it takes. I don’t think I do. I’m not organized enough. I’m not good at, so I’m not a social media person, so I’m never gonna be successful.[00:38:00]
Mm-hmm like, those are some of the identities that I’ve given myself and like, that’s bullshit. I wanna let go of those. I don’t wanna carry those around cuz like even my body language just changed. Like I’m like all sunk it in. Like it does not feel good and it feels so uncomfortable and oh God, I guess it’s like just I’m I’m grateful.
I’m aware and I’m ready to shift it. Yeah. Well that, it’s so beautiful that you’re able to even notice that and share right now. And because this is what it comes down to like usually, I mean, It this dives into the other, the other levels as well. But when we look at the identity, quite often, it’s driven by some emotions that we’re addicted to.
Mm-hmm I, I call it the emotional home. And so basically everyone, everyone in this world is addicted to some out or some emotion. Okay. Some people are addicted to being happy all the time. And I find there are less of those people. they’re they’re weird dose. No, I’m just joking. but yeah, like it’s [00:39:00] interesting from the people I work with, I would say it seems like about 10% of people.
but the flip side of that is like, you know, it’s hard to tell cuz these are just people who wanna hire me, uh, for coaching and mentoring. Uh, so I can’t say what it is out in the general public, but it seems like 10% of people, I would guess, uh, have a positive, an empowering emotional home. And the majority of people have a negative emotional home.
So like, we feel really good about things. I see this all the time. Especially when I help, like a lot of my clients, they they’re, they run offers online or businesses. When they sign someone up, say on one of their programs or their mastermind, the person gets all excited and they’re on the color.
Like, oh my God, I’m so empowered. I’m so happy. I’m gonna change my life. And then they get off the call. And the next morning that person who just signed up for the program, they feel dread. Like, they’re just like, I’m such an idiot. Oh my God, who do I think I am? Who do I think I am, that I’m gonna like blow up my business and do amazing, or have an [00:40:00] amazing relationship, like look at my past I’m I’m a loser.
Like, and what it is is that they were overwhelmed the day before, because they feel really good about, you know, all the serotonin and dopamine and endorphins that are pumping. And they’re all excited because they’re gonna change their life. But then the next morning they’re unconscious has stepped in and it’s like, Who do you think you are like, this is not the emotion you’re addicted to.
You’re addicted to sadness. You’re addicted to cortisol adrenaline, like that cocktail that makes you, brings you back to the feeling that you find familiar. You know, and again, I need to give credit to this, but Joe dispenses says that when a lot of people they’re changing and then they wanna go back to their old patterns and they’re like, it just feels right.
And it’s not that it feels right. It feels familiar. Yes. Like change is not going to feel easy. It’s not going to be familiar to your identity. Your, your identity is based on everything in the past. So if you wanna change, you know, and this now steps into the next level beyond [00:41:00] identity.
So, so far we have mindset, we have identity and then we have unconscious programming. And so in unconscious programming, you we’ll begin to see how each level affects all the other levels. Um, And so on unconscious programming, it’s been, it’s now been proven that by the time we’re 35, 95 to 99% of everything we do is an unconscious pattern, habit or behavior.
So it’s wild. That, that means if you, if your whole life you’ve only made, let’s say $5,000 a month or 10, whatever, we’ll just say $5,000 a month. If you’ve only made $5,000 a month, and now you’ve decided you’re gonna make $10,000 a month or 20 or $30,000 a month, and you’re gonna really step it up in your business.
There is only 5% of you that wants to have that change. 95% of your identity and your unconscious programming is committed to you making $5,000 a month. [00:42:00] So if you have old identity pieces that are all based on who you have been, your identity is not based on who you’re becoming. That takes work. That takes awareness.
, So if your identity’s all based on the past and you haven’t had a lot of awareness around that, and then you have a lot of unconscious patterns that literally create and fulfill on that continuation of that identity, you’re stuck. Like you’re stuck. We’re not even at the fourth level and you’re all already stuck just in the unconscious programming and the language you use at the mindset level and the beliefs and your identity.
So it’s really becoming, you know, like my, probably my favorite, one of my favorite quotes of all time, Carl Young, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. Yeah. So we think the world is happening to us when really we are happening to us. It’s our unconscious programming that we’re unaware of.
And we think it’s the world doing something to us, but it’s us happening to us. [00:43:00] so, yeah, the, as you can tell, I get passionate about this, but it’s so, uh, I mean, I know this stuff and I forget it still there. This is a trend mm-hmm um, so much is unconscious like 95%. No wonder it’s difficult to make changes.
And I know for me, I’ve been in this big change in the last couple of years, and I think the old way that I operated worked well for me, and it was basically sheer will sheer will power and pushing myself and forcing myself. There is probably more ego in there than I would like to admit. And I was just like, I had the energy to just override whatever was going on inside.
And now I’m learning this new way. And I often think of Joe dispenses. Well, And he says this he’s like, so you’re standing in the river of change and it’s this really [00:44:00] uncomfortable feeling. And I’ve had to remind myself a lot recently you’re in the river of change right now. What that means for everyone listening.
Pretend you’re on one side of the river. And you’re like, I don’t like it on this side. I wanna get over to the other side and you start walking across the river. Well, you’re gonna be pull, you’re gonna pull. You’re gonna like be a little out out of balance. Especially there’s might be some raging rapids in there and like, there’s gonna be surprises.
And I feel like I’ve been in the river of change for a couple of years and it’s like, please yeah, I wanna get over to the other side. And I find myself going back to old ways, but I’m happy to report that much of the old things that I did no longer resonate with me. Mm-hmm I just don’t necessarily have the.
The the way forward yet. I’m still figuring that out. But when I go to revert and I’m like, oh yeah, no, that doesn’t feel good. Oh no, that just, doesn’t like, it’s a hard, no, for whatever reason. So I’m just like, yeah, no, that’s not gonna work. I’ve gotta, I’ll, [00:45:00] I’ll go back to here trying to figure, trying to figure things out.
So it’s a really interesting process scene process, you know, as much as I’ve heard him talk about the river of change, I never thought about it that way. And just the way you just described it. And what I was picturing was, you know, when you’re crossing a river, it’s kind of a really uncomfortable feeling because when you’re crossing a river and you can’t see the bottom, that’s true.
You don’t know if you’re about to walk on a Boulder. You don’t know, like you, you don’t know what the next step is and it’s, it’s stressful cuz it’s like, I could, I could fall in and just totally mess myself up. So yeah, that is such a good analogy in that way with the river of change. Yeah. Um, and that, that is the thing it’s, you know, what is that saying?
That we. People tend to change when the pain is staying the same outweighs the pain of change mm-hmm . And so it’s when, you know, I would, I would love to say I always change just by positive empowerment, but quite often it’s because I just can’t take what I’m experiencing anymore. Totally. [00:46:00] Um, yeah. And it’s the, like, we’re moving away from something or moving towards something, but usually we’re moving away from something because we just, and again, that’s Tony Robbins.
He’s making an appearance a lot in today’s show yeah. Well, he’s had a huge influence on both of us, I think. Yeah, I think so. Um, it’s funny. I haven’t thought I feel like I haven’t referenced him for a long time, but just in the, in the space that we’ve created, he’s definitely showing up. Yep. Yeah. So the other, the other thing that I just realized about the river of change is there’s a lot of uncertainty in there.
Like you said, you can’t see the bottom. I love that in times of uncertainty. I think that this is when our. Hormones like our cortisol, like you said, or Sarah, all of dopamine, all these different things can be really heightened and triggered. Essentially. Our nervous system is an overdrive. And I love how you talk about the nervous system.
Yeah. The nervous system is the fourth level. And I just wanna say [00:47:00] that how I discovered the nervous system piece is, you know, I was doing mindset coaching. I considered myself the mindset guy and I thought just mindset was everything. It’s just, yeah. You can mindset your way out of anything. Cuz I made a, I had a, I won’t say a lot, but I I’ve had a few decent size successes that.
People around me were saying like, that’s impossible. You’re never gonna be able to do that. And I did it and it was pure mindset and will, but will wears out like mindset stuff wears out, especially when you’re trying to force things to happen. Yes. Like, and you know, I talk about that a lot power versus force forces when you’re trying to force an outcome power is when you’re in alignment and things are actually flowing with you.
It’s not it’s power, not because you’re doing it all. It’s power because the entire environment is helping you. That’s true power. And so when we try to force things for too long, what happens is our nervous system goes into a much deeper state of dysregulation. And for me, that’s what ended up happening was I [00:48:00] was teaching mindset and coaching people on mindset for years.
And the reality is a part of my identity was behind the scenes. I felt like a fraud because I was stuck in certain areas of my life. I was helping people break through in their business. But I was severely stuck. Like I would just sit at my computer for hours and do nothing and get tired and just lie down.
And what I didn’t know was that I was dealing with one of the states. You can be in a nervous system, dysregulation called the freeze response. And so, you know, it, it’s kind of a much longer story. I won’t get into how I discovered it, but basically someone in my life just said, you know, Hey, like all these things, you’ve been telling doctors that you’ve been dealing with.
Just read what I just learned this weekend at a chorus. And I read over everything on that page. And I was like, oh my God, that’s everything I’ve been trying to get help with. But no, one’s been able to help me with this. And then I realized this is nervous system stuff. This is not mindset. This is not a technically a medical thing.
It’s not something like something you take a pill for and [00:49:00] it’ll fix it. Um, and so I learned that, you know, nervous system regulation where we wanna be, that’s where we’re highly resourceful, we’re adaptive distress. We can take on a lot. We’re highly resourceful and we’re resilient in our environment when we experience challenges.
Um, but when we push too hard or when we have, you know, when I say trauma, there’s like acute trauma there’s car accidents and there’s, you know, of course abuse and stuff like that. But trauma’s also the micro moments in your life when you’re especially as a child, when your emotional needs weren’t met because to a child, those, those feelings and emotions can be too much to handle.
And it causes us to go into a state of nervous system dysregulation. And so what happens is if we go into fight or flight, which is a hyper arousal, when we’re really jacked up and when you know, fight or a flight, am I gonna fight or am I gonna run? Um, and so our body’s responding as if there’s a threat, [00:50:00] but really there’s no threat.
It might be somebody criticizing us. Or something like that, you know, many years ago, it was very, a very useful response when there was a tiger or line chasing us. Um, but now the big threats are, you know, somebody criticizing us or somebody commenting on a Facebook, uh, post or something like that. And we feel, we feel jacked up from that.
And when we’re in that space of fight or flight, we are not resourceful to, to be honest with you, the, the executive functioning part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex has shut down. Most of the blood flow is not even going to that anymore. And we’re purely, almost purely responding from emotion, the amygdala, the, the, uh, limbic system part of the brain.
And from that place, you know, I don’t know how many choices I’ve made in my life, especially like the challenging choices. They’re not really great choices when I make ’em from pure emotion. Uh, it’s always good to ground them in, you know, some logic, um, [00:51:00] you know, unless you want to go to awesomeness fast or an event like that.
but, but when you’re in a state of fight or flight, when you feel activated or, um, you know, just triggered not much is gonna, you’re not gonna be very resourceful and same if you’re feeling really tired or disconnected disassociated, uh, disempowered, any of those feelings, you’re probably entering the realm of a freeze response where you’re feeling checked out, because what happens is the environment feels like it’s too much.
And so your nervous system will protect you from what it thinks is too much, and it will shut you down. Which is what was happening to me. I would say that my computer every day to do work, that I didn’t realize, but I felt threatened by the work cuz I had to show up and be seen. Um, and so being seen caused my nervous system and this was like, automatic.
It’s not like I realized this was happening. I would sit down and my mind would just go blank. I’m like, I don’t know what to post. I don’t know what to do. I’m like at Darren headlights and all of a sudden I don’t get anything [00:52:00] done. I’m on my bed having a nap and there goes another day. And then what happens is because we just wasted another day, we feel shame for not being who we want to be.
And that throws us into an even deeper sense of dysregulation. So what I wanna say is that. In 2017. Uh, my nervous system just basically started to melt down. Um, I was just under a lot of stress and I realized mindset wasn’t gonna help. And it was then when I started working somatically with the body and using nervous system regulation tools, and that absolutely unequivocally changed my life and it changed my business because then I realized, holy, wow, like this is there’s, this is not in the marketplace.
And no one is very few people are teaching this. Uh, I know there’s more people talking about the nervous system these days, but it’s such an important piece of the work. And like a lot of the clients I work with, some of them are extremely, I would [00:53:00] call extremely successful. , and the big breakthroughs of help them have, yes, it’s in mindset. Yes. It’s with identity and all that stuff. But what’s helped them with their sleep and what’s helped them with so many other areas of their life is bringing them back into nervous system regulation.
Yeah. And I’ve noticed that pattern with a lot of, uh, entrepreneurs, high level entrepreneurs, they spend a lot of time in fight or flight, cuz it, it immobilizes you, it gives you lots of energy. Totally. But it will burn you out eventually. Like it, you will find yourself into, uh, you know, um, adrenal fatigue or whatever else that might come from that.
Yeah. Oh my gosh. So I resonate with all of every single level I resonate with. I feel like mindset’s been the easier one and you can’t mindset yourself out of everything.
With the nervous system, I basically had a nervous system like meltdown in fall of 2019.
And it’s been rebuilding before that. I definitely experienced adrenal fatigue and there were other, you know, other challenges along the [00:54:00] way. I’m a huge fan of EFT, emotional freedom technique where you tap. And for me, that’s been an easy way to start to like support my nervous system and calm my nervous system.
Mm-hmm I’ll see practitioners to support in different ways, but I’m so curious. So we’ve talked about all these ways where we get stuck. How do we get unstuck yeah, so getting unstuck, what I would say is if someone, like, for me, I wanna be very clear that when, when I experienced all of that, nervous system dysregulation back in 2017, and even 2018,, and 19, um, but what really changed for me was I started working with.
People who were very skilled at what they do. So I started working with somatic, experiencing practitioners. There are many, like you said, people use and each modality is good for certain things. For deeper trauma, like what I would say if someone actually has like early developmental trauma, which is trauma from very early childhood.
Yeah. [00:55:00] Um, or any of the deeper stuff I would definitely recommend working with, you know, look at somatic, experiencing practitioners, look at EMDR, uh, which is another powerful modality people use for that. But I would definitely recommend something with the body. Like definitely something with the body, which is why I’m a huge fan of somatic experiencing, And then for the other stuff, for if you’re just experiencing like a letter dysregulation or whatever’s going on, there are so many tools and like the way I work with people is like, there are mind.
I mean, we’ve already talked about mindset, identity, all that stuff. I have tools to help people with all that and for the nervous system. And what I actually, what I wanna say to add to what you said, I forget how you said it, but I say this all the time. I drive my clients crazy probably with it, but that is you can’t mindset your way outta trauma.
So you can come to me and yeah, you can come to me and say, I have this problem in my life or this challenge. And then [00:56:00] within five or 10 minutes, we can figure out usually if it comes from some deeper experience that you had, well, you can try all the mindset techniques you want. You can talk positive while you want, but your nervous system doesn’t speak English.
Your nervous system speaks experience. So, what we need to do is we need to use nervous system regulation tools to bring you back into regulation, and then we need to create, you could call it corrective experiences, just experiences that give you a new experience. That’s reverse of the old one or another way of putting it is it’s a disconfirming experience.
So if I love that and like this ties into relationship work and, you know, attachment theory and all that stuff where we unconsciously respond. I know almost, I would assume the majority of people listening, including myself, including you, uh, when we’re in relationship, some our partner says something and it triggers us.
And then we’re just, but when we’re triggered, we’re actually not [00:57:00] responding to what’s happening. In reality, we’re responding to some incomplete response from the past, and that is the trauma. That is the piece that never did fully develop after that. So now we’re responding to. Trauma that happened years ago.
And so what we wanna do is we want to bring completion to that. Like, we want to bring attention to that response. And then we want to create disconfirming experiences where like, if, if in your childhood, if you had an abandonment wound the short idea of it is it’s you just felt you weren’t cared for when you were younger or someone left you a parent left or they weren’t reliable.
What happens is when we get in relationship, or even in business partnership, our unconscious mind is always looking for signals that our partner’s gonna leave. Like something’s gonna happen, you’re gonna leave and it’s all gonna fall apart. And then we feel the dread that we felt as a child. And so we want to find [00:58:00] ourselves in communication with a healthy business partner or with a therapist or with like in a relat.
It’s very it’s it’s, I would say almost impossible to heal your nervous system. If you’re in an UN unhealthy relationship, because you can’t create the disconfirming experience, you need an experience that is different and ideally opposite of what happened in childhood. So it’s about again, using the nervous system regulation tools, and there are lots of those, available to like help bring you back into regulation.
And one of them is if you feel really triggered, take a time out, go do some breathing exercises or whatever it is you need. There’s again, so many tools for that. And then you bring yourself back into the conversation with your partner or with your business partner or with whoever else. And you have a conversation from a resourceful.
And you work your way through it. And ideally your partner or business partner, whoever [00:59:00] they are aware of what you’re dealing with and they have empathy and compassion and they bring to the experience what was absent before.
And so all of these are just building on disconfirming experiences and how we do it is by getting into a resilient, resourceful state, into regulat.
I know I’m renting on this book. No, I love it. It’s so important. It’s, it’s so important. And this came up in a, another interview recently. I’m on a nervous system kick right now. because I think that it is more popular. You hear it being thrown around, I just want people to fully fully understand how important it is to look at this piece of the puzzle.
Especially if you’re someone who’s been into personal development for a while, or you’re on the journey. There are really these different levels going, going on.
And so I love these four things that you shared. And the one thing this is like totally way after you said it, but [01:00:00] again, it’s just been on my mind.
Emotions. I am an emotional person. Mm-hmm and by nature I’d say I’m an emotional person and I’ve learned, don’t make decisions when I’m on a high or when I’m on a low, don’t blow up your life and don’t commit to whatever that thing, that thing is. So don’t make decisions from those places, but you’re right.
The prefrontal cortex it’s like reasoning can be just wiped, cleared, like it’s completely hijacked.
I believe that emotions are positive and that emotions can be these really powerful tools that show us, like they bring awareness again.
Like the way I look at it is emotions can bring awareness.
This is what went through my mind. I’m like, I’m an emotional person. Does that mean I’m full of trauma? Like, are emotions always associated with trauma or do you think there’s what’s your take on that?
Because I see them as being, there’s the, like, there’s, it’s good. And it’s a rich life, although there’s like extreme highs and [01:01:00] extreme lows and there’s the guidance when you learn to tune into them. But then, yeah, I guess maybe it’s the guidance like, Hey, you’ve got some, you got some stuff over in the corner that you haven’t looked at yet, or that you should look at again.
What are your thoughts? So, yeah, I mean, the, it’s a really good point that you bring up and good, uh, question. I kind of experienced similar things. Like when I decided to go to a Fest, that was, I felt it within me, but it was this knowing it wasn’t like, oh my God, I gotta do this. I gotta do this. I gotta do this.
Right. It was this deep grounded sense of everything in my body was just like, I’m a hell yes. Like this, this is a yes. And so that’s more of like a grounded. Yes. I’m also like you where I have to be careful. You know, I remember a coach said to me years ago that, you wanna have high or low highs and high lows.
So you, you don’t wanna be high, high, and you don’t [01:02:00] wanna be low, low. You wanna find yourself even keel in the middle. And that’s in a resilient, uh, resourceful state because when we’re chasing like a, when we’re like really chasing a high feeling. It can cause us to make some messed up decisions. Like it can, you know, a great example.
I don’t really drink now, but I know in the past when, you know, you have a few drinks and you’re like, yeah, I’ll have more. It’s like, eh, is that a good idea? Like how how’s tomorrow gonna go? And tomorrow’s usually a mess. And that’s because we made that choice from like a high high, and so we chase after it.
And same thing. Like one thing I always say is that don’t make choices from a disempowered place. because when I know for me and for anyone I’ve experienced really every now and then yes, if your life is at risk, of course you’re disempowered or whatever, run, fight, do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself for your safety.
One of the biggest life hacks I know is that don’t [01:03:00] believe or give credit to anything you think or say about yourself when you feel like shit.
So if you’re, if you’re feeling terrible today, do not believe. And this has helped me so much because years ago, if I was in a bad mood and I would, I’d become a terrorist to myself, I would just try to destroy myself. And now I know that. Okay. First of all, I know when I’m really tired, if I’m extremely like exhausted, I know that sometimes in those times I’ll start to think negative.
And so, and what I call it is chicken little. I feel like the sky is falling. Yeah. Yeah. And so I know that if I feel disempowered, don’t do not pay any attention to what I’m saying. Like I’m not whatever is going on in my head right now. Just don’t even don’t don’t give it any credit. So I, to answer the question about trauma, do I think it’s all trauma?
No, like I, it’s interesting. Uh, when I first learned about trauma, I became extreme and I still am passionate about it, [01:04:00] but I also became very passionate about helping people see, be careful with, and I’m not shitting on other coaches or anything, but I do believe that trauma is an important piece to be aware of nervous system dysregulation.
It’s a huge chunk of the pie. And a lot of the times it’s the whole pie. Like it’s, it’s the thing that’s causing a lot of the challenges. And if we, if we bring you into regulation, a lot of the other patterns just go away. So, but what I noticed was when I realized this trauma piece, I almost felt. Almost like a resentfulness towards all the, the people in my past, who just told me it was just, it was my mindset.
It was because I wasn’t committed enough or whatever. But what I realized is they were just teaching with the best resources they had. They didn’t know about the nervous system piece, just like I didn’t. Um, but what I also notice is that not every therapist, I’ve definitely experienced therapists, that, that aren’t like this, but they’re, we also had to be careful not to [01:05:00] pathologize everything, not to just look at everything.
That’s like, oh, something’s wrong? Oh, it’s trauma. It’s a trauma response. And I’ve witnessed that in therapists and more so like friends who are therapists and they think everything is trauma. And then you, we kind of like find a midway. We’re like, well, no, it’s not, it’s not always, it’s not, everything is trauma, you know?
And I, I find this, this just, it’s a natural human tendency. When all you have is a, when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. . So if you’re trained in trauma work, you’re gonna think everything’s trauma. If you’re only trained in mindset work, you’re gonna think everything is mindset. And so it’s good to have an awareness of it.
What’s that? Yeah. And well said. I like that analogy. Yeah. And so, you know, and to talk, I just wanna button that up with, you said about your emotions, like where are they guiding you? And I believe that your emotions, actually, I have a knowing about this, that your emotions are always guiding you towards where you need to go [01:06:00] or towards what you need to heal.
Always. Cause they’re either guiding, they’re guiding you towards something you need to go towards or away from something you need to get away from. And within that there’s healing. Like, so why do I need to get away from this thing? Why do I feel pain? Why do I have shame around this? Whatever it is. Yeah.
So it’s always GUID us towards where we need to go or what we need to heal. Amazing. Oh my gosh. I could honestly talk to you forever. this was such an incredible conversation. Where can people connect with you and learn more about the work that you do? Yeah. To connect with me the best way. I mean, I’m on Facebook, but I haven’t posted anything in forever.
So I would say Instagram, uh, Steven dot Shay, S T E V E N dot S H E a. Awesome, uh, you find me there and also on my web, my website, uh, www.stevenshay.tv. TV is for television. So everyone understands TV. Um, they’re the best [01:07:00] ways to get in contact with me. I would say Instagram’s probably the best. Awesome. Um, but yeah, yeah, that’s the best way to find me.
Well, I’ll make sure to link to those in the show notes and thank you again for taking the time to connect and couple questions, closing questions for you. What do you do to fuel your feel good? Because at the glow Joe, one of the things that I’m really passionate about is helping people get in tune with the deeper, the things that, that nourish them on a soul level.
And I call that fueling your feel good? Not just the surface level stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So the, yeah. Surface level stuff, all the gratitude, self care, you know, yoga that is still, I mean, when I think surface level, I think like clothes and cars and money, like that sort of thing as well. Yeah. Oh yeah. You’re going deep here.
So yeah, I wouldn’t call myself a, a minimalist, but I’m closer to min, minimalist than a materialist.
But I do know that when I [01:08:00] dress good, I feel good. So yes, on the surface level, like when we do those things, you know, when you take yourself that way. Yeah. There’s a payoff on the deeper level of connection and like feeling really good. I would say for me, nature spending a lot of time in nature. It just, you know, every, I find every time I lose myself in life, I find myself in nature and it’s just, it brings me back home.
I love it. It’s just, yeah. There’s nothing else like it for me. And aside from that, it’s doing anything that feels expansive with people. I love. Like, but people who feel expansive just being around them. That’s the people I spoke about earlier when you’re in conversation with them, whether it’s, you know, for me, it’s been friends, it’s been my coaches, cuz like I will not hire, I have a really hard time finding coaches, um, be or mentors because it’s, I it’s, I don’t just want the result that you have.
I wanna feel lit up from a [01:09:00] conversation with you. Like I wanna feel that like aliveness, um, So it’s really comes down to connection, to nature and connection to self and others. Um, and I know that might sound very simple, but that’s really where I feel the most joy in my life is just connection. I love that.
I find that the deeper things are usually the simpler things and yeah, don’t discredit dressing. Like when you dress, when you dress well or dress yourself a certain way, it makes you feel good. Like there’s the whole concept of adornment. And, you know, in cult, like in certain cultures, especially like adoring themselves with different things.
Like it’s, it’s real, it’s legit. So don’t discredit that I, I was having to talk with myself the other day. I’m like, you know, you should really start like putting on real clothes, like at least a couple times through, throughout the week when I’m working at home. Because so often it’s just in like loungewear and that’s nice, but it does feel nice to, to dress up and put some effort in.
So. Thank you for sharing. [01:10:00] Final closing thoughts like in a 60 seconds, final closing thoughts? Well, first of all, I’m, I’m grateful for you having me on the podcast. I’m grateful for our friendship. And I just wanna share with everyone that when it comes to your life, when it comes to breaking through whatever it is, whether it’s in your relationship, your business, your life, whatever.
From what I found, it is something on the four levels, if not all four levels and find someone and I, this isn’t even just a pitch to work with me. Uh, but this is a pitch to work with someone who you resonate with, like find a mentor or find a book, or find whatever, find something that brings expansion into your life.
If you’re feeling that stagnation or whatever or friendships or what, whatever it is, just move your, move yourself towards what feels expansive. I don’t know that that’s all I want for everyone. Just expansiveness.
Was so wonderful.
Thank you again [01:11:00] for taking the time to join me. I’m grateful for you and for our friendship and our conversations. And it’s just so fun that we’ve, we had the opportunity to share today with Thero community. What we talk about when we talk. This was awesome. Thank you. Thank you.
Excellent. All right. Thank you. All right. Have a good one.